I Walk... (-or- "My Yellow Bags of Shame")

Happy Cinco d' Mayo, whatever the hell Corona means by that.....

(I always thought it was a holiday invented by a beer company, but it actually celebrates victory in a battle w/the French in the late 1800's, who knew?)

Okay, my third day of blogging...so much to say and so little motivation....I should just learn to leave this thing on and and jot down stuff as I go. I don't think I finished a complete story or scenario yet, and for every subject I start on, I have five more in my head I want to write about.

(Atlanta just went ahead of the Mets n the top of the 11th, 7 - 6, no outs, guy on first....)

(See how easily I get distracted?)

So this is my third entry. I thought of a few things I should have said right of the bat....

A. I haven't figured out how to use spell-checker yet. (Take a sec and make fun of me .....................................................................Done? Very good.) So excuse my spelling, etc.. I do try to check everything over when I'm done, but I went to public school, and am on alot of medication, so forgive me the little stuff, 'k?

B. This is a brand new system I'm using, including a very fussy wireless keyboard/mouse combo. A lot of mistakes are because I haven't quite mastered these devices of mass frustration yet, either. (I know..."It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools" .....Yadda, yadda, yadda.....).

OMG! Cliff Floyd (Avg this season .196), just hit his 3rd home run of the year and tied he game 7 - 7 in the bottom of the eleveth....I love him again)

Did I mention I'm starting as an umpire tomorrow? Don't let me forget to tell you about this....I have to start at 9:30 am tomorrow and have no idea what I'm doing. I mean I know baseball pretty well, and have seen hundreds of games...but I never even played in an orgazed league as a kid or anything...."Why do you do these things, Lou?" -B.Abbott c 1940

C. I constantly loose my train of thought, kind of like I have ADD, then I seem to loose my "Blog jones", as it were, and go onto something even less interesting, leaving the subject I was actually able to touch upon only vaguely explored. Sorry 'bout that.

D. If anyone other than myself ever reads this, please feel free to comment on any of the above listed bad habits, or comment on any aspect of my writing, life, vocabulary, outlook, fashion sense, etc. (I hope people read this, I know most of this crap already)

11:05 pm Friday night, Mets 7 - Atlanta 7 in the top of the 12th

This is why you shouldn't have espresso at ten-thirty at night. Well why I shouldn't anyway. Now I have lot's of energy with no real direction. I don't want to do anything too loud, (I live above one guy, and next to 2 other condos, a girl upstairs, and a couple that lives downstairs and kitty-corner, so I don't want to run water, make the floor squeak too much, you know what I mean. I'l talk about my neighbors more when I figure out fake initials for them. I'm gonna have to make a chart to keep track of these people.

Sec, spinnin' up a Bugler, BRB

Ball 4, Bases loaded, Cliff Floyd up again...

Julio and Fleas just got off the couch 'cause I was smoking..I know, it's bad for all us. What can I say, I have an addictive personality......

Poppedup to second baseman....on to the top of the 13th.

Have I talked, yet, about walking being a right-brained experience for me? Or about my 'Yellow Bags of Shame'? Have I talked, ( written, I know), about anything? And now I'm getting the munchies.

I ate like a pig today too. An entire spinach salad, w/bacon, boiled egg, and cheese in a honey-mustard dressing, yummy. Then I got a pack of these heat and serve drumsticks...6 in a pack for around 4 bucks. 2 mins in the 'nuker and ya got a meal. I said, "Maybe I'll have 2 drumsticks w the salad.... '). I ate all six, and finished off w/ 2 triple choclate cupcakes I made last night. I topped them w/ choclate chips and peanut butter, just to make sure. Of course the only healthy, responsible thing to do after a meal like that is burn one, and take a 3 hour nap,
right?

Did I discuss the girl from group, (who I kinda like), not graduating today? I mention it because the cupcakes came from the extra stuff from the cake I made her last night. I destroyed the kitchen. Then one of the other girls from group stopped over last night w her Bro to pick up the cake for group tomorrow. The place was a mess, it was her bro's first time here, I was so embarrased. I barely had the cake ready, the apt. was about 100 degrees between it being a beuatiful hot may day and the oven being on 350 for 2 hours or so. (I made o'scunizzo white pizza last night for dinner. I must have gained 15 lbes in the last couple of months. What the hell..., the oven was already on. )

Like I said, I was very embarassed about the apartment. I always have anxiety about people coming over for the first time, and she only gave me about 5 mins notice, so I coudn't do much. I think he may have been in a slightly bad mood anyway, 'cause she made him drive her to help one of the girls in MICA pick up a futon, and then he had to stop here to pick up a cake, (And a guitar from me, we traded, whole 'nother couple of paragraphs needed on that.).

11:38 pm, on to the 14th inning. Mets 7 - Atl. 7...still.

I have MY first time umping in a little over 12 hrs..

There was once a 25 inning game that Keith Hernandez played in. There were 25 men left on base, too...club record. Only 19 Mets left on base tonight. Mets have used 7 pitchers, braved have used 9. 4 hrs and 28 minutes of baseball on this spendiferous Friday evening.

So, things I still need to discuss...

1.) The guitar trade

2.) My buddy and the new computer system

3.) Walking and the yellow bags

4.) The cakes

5.) APH and the great group of people I met

6.) My day yesterday, lunch at Steak and Ale w/ Tete', my friend the movie star

7.) Attempting a new, structured, productive lifestyle

8.) Gaining weight

9.) The cake girl

Ahhh, screw it, it's midnight and I need a snack.

(Hmmmmm....there's still 2 cupcakes and some peanut butter left)

Take care of each other
- B

I Walk... (-or- "My Yellow Bags of Shame")

Happy Cinco d' Mayo, whatever the hell Corona means by that.....

(I always thought it was a holiday invented by a beer company, but it actually celebrates victory in a battle w/the French in the late 1800's, who knew?)

Okay, my third day of blogging...so much to say and so little motivation....I should just learn to leave this thing on and and jot down stuff as I go. I don't think I finished a complete story or scenario yet, and for every subject I start on, I have five more in my head I want to write about.

(Atlanta just went ahead of the Mets n the top of the 11th, 7 - 6, no outs, guy on first....)

(See how easily I get distracted?)

So this is my third entry. I thought of a few things I should have said right of the bat....

A. I haven't figured out how to use spell-checker yet. (Take a sec and make fun of me .....................................................................Done? Very good.) So excuse my spelling, etc.. I do try to check everything over when I'm done, but I went to public school, and am on alot of medication, so forgive me the little stuff, 'k?

B. This is a brand new system I'm using, including a very fussy wireless keyboard/mouse combo. A lot of mistakes are because I haven't quite mastered these devices of mass frustration yet, either. (I know..."It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools" .....Yadda, yadda, yadda.....).

OMG! Cliff Floyd (Avg this season .196), just hit his 3rd home run of the year and tied he game 7 - 7 in the bottom of the eleveth....I love him again)

Did I mention I'm starting as an umpire tomorrow? Don't let me forget to tell you about this....I have to start at 9:30 am tomorrow and have no idea what I'm doing. I mean I know baseball pretty well, and have seen hundreds of games...but I never even played in an orgazed league as a kid or anything...."Why do you do these things, Lou?" -B.Abbott c 1940

C. I constantly loose my train of thought, kind of like I have ADD, then I seem to loose my "Blog jones", as it were, and go onto something even less interesting, leaving the subject I was actually able to touch upon only vaguely explored. Sorry 'bout that.

D. If anyone other than myself ever reads this, please feel free to comment on any of the above listed bad habits, or comment on any aspect of my writing, life, vocabulary, outlook, fashion sense, etc. (I hope people read this, I know most of this crap already)

11:05 pm Friday night, Mets 7 - Atlanta 7 in the top of the 12th

This is why you shouldn't have espresso at ten-thirty at night. Well why I shouldn't anyway. Now I have lot's of energy with no real direction. I don't want to do anything too loud, (I live above one guy, and next to 2 other condos, a girl upstairs, and a couple that lives downstairs and kitty-corner, so I don't want to run water, make the floor squeak too much, you know what I mean. I'l talk about my neighbors more when I figure out fake initials for them. I'm gonna have to make a chart to keep track of these people.

Sec, spinnin' up a Bugler, BRB

Ball 4, Bases loaded, Cliff Floyd up again...

Julio and Fleas just got off the couch 'cause I was smoking..I know, it's bad for all us. What can I say, I have an addictive personality......

Poppedup to second baseman....on to the top of the 13th.

Have I talked, yet, about walking being a right-brained experience for me? Or about my 'Yellow Bags of Shame'? Have I talked, ( written, I know), about anything? And now I'm getting the munchies.

I ate like a pig today too. An entire spinach salad, w/bacon, boiled egg, and cheese in a honey-mustard dressing, yummy. Then I got a pack of these heat and serve drumsticks...6 in a pack for around 4 bucks. 2 mins in the 'nuker and ya got a meal. I said, "Maybe I'll have 2 drumsticks w the salad.... '). I ate all six, and finished off w/ 2 triple choclate cupcakes I made last night. I topped them w/ choclate chips and peanut butter, just to make sure. Of course the only healthy, responsible thing to do after a meal like that is burn one, and take a 3 hour nap,
right?

Did I discuss the girl from group, (who I kinda like), not graduating today? I mention it because the cupcakes came from the extra stuff from the cake I made her last night. I destroyed the kitchen. Then one of the other girls from group stopped over last night w her Bro to pick up the cake for group tomorrow. The place was a mess, it was her bro's first time here, I was so embarrased. I barely had the cake ready, the apt. was about 100 degrees between it being a beuatiful hot may day and the oven being on 350 for 2 hours or so. (I made o'scunizzo white pizza last night for dinner. I must have gained 15 lbes in the last couple of months. What the hell..., the oven was already on. )

Like I said, I was very embarassed about the apartment. I always have anxiety about people coming over for the first time, and she only gave me about 5 mins notice, so I coudn't do much. I think he may have been in a slightly bad mood anyway, 'cause she made him drive her to help one of the girls in MICA pick up a futon, and then he had to stop here to pick up a cake, (And a guitar from me, we traded, whole 'nother couple of paragraphs needed on that.).

11:38 pm, on to the 14th inning. Mets 7 - Atl. 7...still.

I have MY first time umping in a little over 12 hrs..

There was once a 25 inning game that Keith Hernandez played in. There were 25 men left on base, too...club record. Only 19 Mets left on base tonight. Mets have used 7 pitchers, braved have used 9. 4 hrs and 28 minutes of baseball on this spendiferous Friday evening.

So, things I still need to discuss...

1.) The guitar trade

2.) My buddy and the new computer system

3.) Walking and the yellow bags

4.) The cakes

5.) APH and the great group of people I met

6.) My day yesterday, lunch at Steak and Ale w/ Tete', my friend the movie star

7.) Attempting a new, structured, productive lifestyle

8.) Gaining weight

9.) The cake girl

Ahhh, screw it, it's midnight and I need a snack.

(Hmmmmm....there's still 2 cupcakes and some peanut butter left)

Take care of each other
- B

An Ethical Dilema....

(The anxiety of a blank page, whether paper or flat screen lcd monitor, it's always intimidating for me...)

Good morning everybody! (Anybody? Hello...is this thing on?)

I think I left off with a rambling summary of how my group therapy session were set up. I was thinking about the people I was with last night, an interesting bbunch, I assure you...And I felt i should say this-

When I inevitably start to refer to people I met, I will only refer to them by an initial, to preserve their anonimity, and a random initial at that. Belt and suspenders, if ya know what I mean.

As I was thinking about this, trying to figure out how to respect the rights of my manic mates, it struck me that if some of THEM read this electronic essay of mine, they will no doubt recognize each other. Well, they were there for all of it, so they know this stuff already, right? And as long as I'm not derogatory in any way, (I try to be funny from time-to-time, and am often sarcastic in a loving sort of way, but I'm usually not sincerely derogatory), as long as I mind my P's and Q's, It should be cool.

If anyone ever actually reads this far.....I would appreciate your toughts on how much I should disclose about others, if anything, without there concent, even though it's anonymus. (A problem of ethics....)

Did I explain that enough? One more time, kids....

No Names, random initials, only I know who I'm talking about, unless it's one of the other people, and they know each other already....phew.

I was in intensive group therapy for six weeks after an 11 day hospitalization for depression, in case you weren't paying attention, didn't read yesterday's post, or I forgot to mention that imoprtant tidbit altogether.

(Wow there's nothing on TV at 9 am, Judge Mathis, here I come....)

So yesterday's post had my basic routine for the last 6 weeks or so. (3.14.6 til 4.28.6 to be exact). Up around 6:30 / 7 am, coffee, 'smoke and a shower. The van showed up in front of my complex to bring me to the hospital between 8 and 9 am, depending on which driver it was and which direction they started from. My first day taking the van, The driver was A. A little italian guy in his 70's. He was retired, (from what I don't exactly remember), and drove the van for the extra money to go to Vegas twice a year, and so he and his wife wouldn't get divorced because they were together all the time.

A trained D during my first and second week. D was younger, maybe in his 40's? He kinda reminded me of the character Riff-Raff, the character from the "Rocky Horror Picture Show".
Don't misunderstand me, D is an exceptionally cool van driver, it's just the long, light blond hair, male pattern baldness, and slightly weathered appearance.

Whichever person was driving, thy would usually call me on my cell 15 mins or so before, to make sure I was going that day, and to tell me they were on the way. Picking up everybody could take up to an hour or longer. I think the most we ever did was 11 or 12 people, in around 5 towns. The van drive was often an experience in itself, depending on who was on the van, an what kind of mood everyone was in. Keep in mind, the cast of characters was often changing because of people graduating, new people starting, people being re-hospitalized or kicked out for various reasons. Usually the van ride was cool, sometimes it was even enjoyable, and a couple of times it was plain 'ole ugly, but maybe we'll get to all that.

(The landscapers are here...They are, (were), a whole 'nother issue. Here ridiculously early n the morning with their leaf blowers and riding mowers at machina of mass volume....When I used to work nights I would just be falling asleep and they would show up.....If I couldn't sleep with all the noise I would surf the web for firearms dealers)

Here I sit, broken hearted, came to blog, so let's get started...

Where to begin....there are so many possibilities.....

(What questions would people be asking themselves as they read this? Hmmmm...)

A little info bout me, perhaps?

My name is Bobby. I'm a 40 year old stand-up comic from northern New Jersey, who happens to suffer from depression. Kind of ironinc, no? I make people laugh for a living, but sometimes I can't even force myself to smile....see, god DOES have a sense of humor, albeit a bit twisted. Oh well, I guess he gets bored too.

My good freind "R", who I met in an outpatient psychiatric hospital, (He's Bi-polar), has been blogging for a while, convinced me to try this hi-tech form of self-absorbtion. Why should other people be interested in my life? Half the time my life doesn't even interest me that much.

So here I am, with my coffee and Marlboros, my faithful cat Julio by my side, (Indifferent, but faithful), and a vast wealth of experience that I now have to translate into interesting, (and hopefully amusing), tidbits for complete strangers to read, judge, and enjoy.

A smart man learns from his mistakes. A very smart man learns from the mistakes of others...

As I said, I met R in an outpatient psychiatric hospital. I would get picked up around 8 am, as I do not drive anymore, by the hospital van. I think they have 4 ot 5 different vans that scoot around Northern NJ, pick up up to 11 people, each with there own mental disorder, and deposit them at the hospital safe if not-so-sound by 9;30 or so. The first group session would begin at 9:45, each session lasts 45 minutes, with a 10 minutes break, and the middle session would be lunch. There are 2 different groups. One is APH, or Acute Partial Hospitalization, for the plain old wackos like myself, and MICA, or Mentally Ill Chemical Abusers, for wackos who like to augment their diagnosis w mind altering substances like alcohol, Crack, Heroin, etc.

(Ahh SH&T, just got a phonecall from my ex, she wants to go have lunch, so now I have to shower and make the apartment presentable...I will continue in the near future...)

Take care of each other -Bobby